When Grief Changed the Way I See Love… and God

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and this year I’m thinking about love in the context of grief and faith .. not chocolate or roses.. I honestly don’t even know the full history of where Valentine’s Day came from

I know it traces back to an early Christian named Valentine and even older traditions celebrating love and life in February … but somewhere along the way it became a day about love.

And that’s why I chose today to write this.

Because over the last few years, I’ve been asking myself what love actually is.

Not just romantic love.

Not just emotional love.

But real love.

The kind of love that doesn’t threaten.

The kind of love that doesn’t control.

The kind of love that doesn’t divide.

The kind of love God is described to be.

Seven years ago, I watched my grandma take her last breath.

When she passed, I felt something I still can’t fully explain. It wasn’t fear. It wasn’t darkness. It wasn’t confusion.

It was peace.

Overwhelming peace. Presence. Love. Something bigger than me. It felt holy. It felt like God.

That moment changed something in me.

Then this last year happened.

I lost my nephew.

I lost my big sister.

I lost my dad.

Three people. One year.

Grief changes you. It strips everything down. It makes you question things you once held tightly. It makes you look at people differently. It makes you look at faith differently.

And I started asking myself deeper questions about love.

The God I Was Taught

I used to see God in two ways at the same time.

I saw Him as loving and compassionate.

But I also saw Him as judging, separating people, deciding who goes to heaven and who goes to hell.

And I always wrestled with that.

How can someone be fully loving and fully willing to punish forever?

Those two things never fully fit together for me.

But I pushed the questions down. I was taught that questioning meant doubt. And doubt meant drifting away.

When I started asking real questions, it honestly felt like I was leaving God.

I felt sad.

Hopeless.

Confused.

It didn’t feel freeing at first.

It felt like loss.

Love and Fear

Over time, something shifted.

I started asking myself:

Is God so fragile that honest seeking pushes Him away?

Or is He big enough to meet me in my questions?

If God is love … truly love … then fear shouldn’t be the thing that keeps me close to Him.

Certainty felt safe.

Even if it was fear-based, it felt solid.

But fear and love don’t feel the same in my body.

The peace I felt when my grandma passed did not feel like fear.

It felt like love.

And I can’t ignore that.

Maybe I wasn’t walking away from God.

Maybe I was walking away from fear.

There’s a difference.

Who Jesus Moved Toward

When I look at Jesus … not religion, just Jesus.. something stands out.

He confronted religious leaders who burdened people.

He called out hypocrisy.

He challenged those who lacked mercy.

But he moved toward:

The rejected.

The outsider.

The one judged.

The one labeled “unclean.”

That matters to me.

Because when I look at people I love .. especially my sister .. I see that same heart.

She questioned if God was real.

She didn’t know what she believed.

But she defended the underdog.

She saw people deeply.

She loved fiercely.

That looks more like Jesus to me than fear ever did.

Feeling God Differently

Something else shifted too.

I don’t always picture God as a man anymore.

And that used to scare me.

But when I sit outside and feel the wind, hear the birds, watch the river … I feel something sacred.

It feels grounding.

It feels peaceful.

It feels alive.

The Bible talks about creation praising God.

The heavens declaring glory.

Feeling close to God through nature doesn’t feel like abandoning Him.

It feels like experiencing Him differently.

And peace is what started this whole journey.

Why Valentine’s Day

So maybe this is my Valentine’s reflection.

Not about romance.

But about love.

What love is.

What love isn’t.

What love does to fear.

What love looks like when it’s real.

If God is love, then love matters.

And I’m still learning what that means.

This is just the beginning.

I don’t have all the answers. But I know the peace I felt that day wasn’t fear. And I’m choosing to follow peace.